WHY CAN’T WE BE FRIENDS? By Chloe Sybert  

Being a good friend to those on the spectrum

Hi, my name is Chloe Sybert, and I am an artist, dancer, speaker, writer, illustrator (so many wonderful things) and I happen to be autistic!

I feel like many people do not understand the full extent of what it means to be kind and accepting to those different than them. Also I feel like autism scares people! There is so much unknown! Chances are you know someone with autism and would like to be friends with them (you should!). I feel like some people are intimidated by how to do that!  

The thing to keep in mind is that we are really not that different from you where it matters, and we are just looking for people who show an effort to understand and care about us! It really isn’t rocket science! Everyone on the spectrum is different , what may help one person might be different from someone else! However I have spent a lot of time with those with autism and based on my experience and knowledge, here are 5 tips I have for being a wonderful friend to someone on the autism spectrum!

1. Don’t be so easily offended by us adapting to our environment in our own way, or learning to interact appropriately at our own pace!  I have to mentally prepare for social outings because they stress me out. So if I bring noise cancelling headphones to adapt to loud noise, or if your autistic friend doesn’t make eye contact with you, or if you see someone stimming  (rocking , fidgeting , or other self coping behavior) this shouldn’t bother you!! If someone does something you think is quirky , it’s not your place to judge! It takes a lot out of me to interact with people sometimes so I appreciate when I’m allowed to be comfortable and myself and when I feel safe.  I used to apologize for doing things I needed to cope like stepping outside for quiet time, but if you’re a true friend , you would want me to be comfortable. My friends are the ones that say , “Don’t apologize! Do what you need to do!”

2. True friends understand those with autism aren’t that different from them! You might not be able to fully understand where your friend is coming from, but chances are you can relate to an extent of what they are experiencing. Empathy, not pity- is key! I have lots of noise sensitivity. And I had a meltdown at college after a fire drill at a friend’s dorm. Now, while my friends would never understand what it’s like to have a meltdown to a loud noise, they know the noise isn’t a lovely sound to them either! So they let me take time after to cry and recover and they said , “I’m sorry Chloe. That was a loud noise so we understand why that was hard!!” Also, you might think your friend is quirky or not relatable, however, autism or no autism, we all have similarities! We all can love , and we all want to be accepted. Take the time to learn how you are like your friend in an effort to understand them! My friend  Kristian Thomas says wisely, “ I think that someone can be a better friend to someone on the spectrum by understanding and empathizing with their struggles. Even though they may never relate completely, you can always be a good listener and support system for them. Most importantly, you should love and accept them for who they truly are and never try to change them to fit your standard of “normal”.

3. Include us! Nobody likes to be uninvited and excluded from the group. Instead of assuming your friend will get overwhelmed and therefore not inviting them to the event, try telling them about the event, answering all their questions, and asking one of your own. Ask, “if you would like to go, how can we make you the most comfortable so you will enjoy your time with us?” My classmates had asked me what they could do to help me with passing baked goods at the student center for an assignment. They told me it was loud and asked me how they could make me comfortable. Then they listened! This made me feel like they actually wanted me apart of the group and valued my  contribution! I’m now looking forward to this event.

4. When someone on the spectrum is telling you about their experience as an individual on the spectrum, their experience is valid and it’s not your place to correct them! Mainly I’m talking about person first vs identity first language! If someone prefers to identify as an autistic rather than a person with autism , that is up to them! This is a hot topic in the autism community! But my philosophy is , “my autism- my choice. Not your autism, not your choice!” Be respectful and kind and non judgmental when someone is telling you about their autism as it takes courage to do!

5. Finally, this is the most important thing. The main thing I appreciate most in the true friendships is that they see me for me and not my disability. I deal with enough judgment from rude people and myself, I need positive vibes from my friends! Also my autism isn’t who I am! There is so much to me! One of my closest friends  essentially told me, “look, you are Chloe not your disability. You are Chloe , hardworking, caring, and kind, you are wonderful to me and nothing can change that!” This made me tear up because I felt loved and accepted and I was grateful she took the time to get to know who I truly was!

So, if you are thinking about befriending someone on the spectrum, don’t hesitate! Take the time to get to know them for the wonderful people they are and keep in mind that autistics, have so much to offer and aren’t that different from you where it matters most! Take a chance on us, we are worth it!

Chloe

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